The Wild West World of eBook Only Erotica (NSFW)

EDITOR'S NOTE: All links in this article should be considered armed and dangerous, and are to be approached with caution in the workplace.

Where to begin?

It was while doing research for my Dennis Cooper interview that I tumbled head-first down the rabbit hole of eBook only erotica (henceforth to be known as eRotica). I was familiarizing myself with Cooper's back catalog and had innocently typed The Sluts into the Amazon search bar when BLAMMO! I was eyeball deep in the stuff. Cooper's novel was the first result returned, but the rest of the list was populated by such catchy titles as Daddy's Little Slut, Confessions of A Slut, Demon Slut, Santa's Slut, The Big Book of Sluts, and Tramp Stamp Club: My Slut Wife Training. Naturally, being the bastion of journalistic integrity that I am, I felt it was my duty to investigate further.

The majority of the books seem to have been written by one Kelly Haven, CEO and founder of Sweet Nothings, "an electronic publisher dedicated to bringing you erotic fiction so hot that it'll melt your eReader." As if that wasn't tantalizing enough, the bio on her blog assures us, "Oh, and she loves sex!"

Of course she does.

Her Amazon profile is quick to add, "She's a confessed nymphomaniac, chocoholic, and loves a cold beer after a sweaty day of fun." An accompanying footnote reads, "This bio was provided by the author or their representative." Hm...

A quick search of the internet turned up only one picture- a snapshot of porcelain skin, wisps of yellow hair, and pouty pink lips. That was enough evidence for me. There is no proof that Haven is anything other than what she claims to be- a hot chick who loves kinky sex- and most definitely NOT a dirty old business man masquerading as male fantasy. I mean, does this sound like something a man would write*?

I write hardcore, explicit smut that has one purpose and one purpose only: to get you off.

My eBooks feature lots of tight young girls, horny older guys, barely legal babysitters, taboo subjects, licking lesbians, and loads of pornographic action that will leave you in a hot mess on the floor by the time you’ve finished reading one. They’re short, to the point, and rest assure[d]…there’s none of that nasty plot stuff to get in your way.

You want sex? I’ll give you sex.

And I won’t even ask you to cuddle afterward…promise :)

And she ain't joking about the taboo subject matter. A large number of her eBooks seem to center around the sweetest of taboos** (Sade knows what I'm talking about), and usually contain the word "daddy" in the title. She even claims to have indulged in it:

So if you know anything about me at all, it's that I grew up in my later teen years with a Step Dad. He's always been really good to me, and we share a special bond that goes beyond mere hugs and kisses...

Incest not your thing? Haven's got two sexy friends looking to put the yowzers in your trousers. Rachel Boleyn, the other other Boleyn girl, whose old website features full-on porn pics; and Miranda Ashby, a mother of two who loves to bake and specializes in hot dude-on-dude action. (I guess gay men prefer their eRotica to be written by middle-aged housewives. Go figure.)

Together they are the Holy Trinity of Trash (could it be they are one as well as three?), and they are making BANK. Porn has always been a lucrative business, as well as an early adopter of new technology, so this should come as no surprise. ePublishing is just the latest frontier for the business savvy pervert to conquer. It's like the wild west out there- no laws and little competition- and a few intrepid settlers are earning their fortune and making their mark.

Interested? Then hitch up your wagon and check out this blog post by Sleep Over With Daddy author, Angel Wild, about the secrets of her eSuccess. She claims to have made over $2500 in the first month with only 7 short stories. Seeing how most of these stories are priced at $0.99 to $2.99, that's pretty impressive. It just goes to show- sex will always sell, no matter what the medium.

But who's buying? Oddly enough, most of the reviews on Amazon seem to have been written by- GASP!- Women! Earlier I posited that these books were being written by men under feminom de plumes. Could the same be true of the reviews? Is this yet another marketing ploy to appeal to the sexual fantasies of men? Or are there women out there who actually appreciate porn? ( <= Also a male fantasy. This is getting complicated.)

For those of you balking at the interchangeable use of the words "erotica" and "porn" in this article, you've got a valid point. There is definitely a difference. Based on the covers, titles, and quality of the writing, most of these books fall into the latter category. They lack a certain... art. We're not talking Lady Chatterley's Lover or The Story of O, here. Hell, we're not even talking the bodice-ripping pirate rape of your mother's Harlequin Romance. This is unabashed, down and dirty fuck fiction, made specifically to put money in pockets and a rocket in yours.

Check out this example from the modern classic, Little Virgin Sister's Webcam Show:

SYNOPSIS:

Reese is young, smart and sexy, and she has a plan for paying her way through college; she's going to host her own webcam sex show. However, she's missing a critical ingredient - a man to perform with her. When her smoking hot stepbrother loses his job and is forced to move back home she realizes her potential co-star is sleeping in the next room. But will he be willing to take her virginity and perform on webcam?

'Oh ya baby, oh ya. Fuck me harder! You stallion!' the slim blonde woman on the computer monitor screamed out. Positioned on her hands and knees in front of her partner - a large, rugged-looking dark-haired man - the blonde moaned and cried out as her partner pounded his monster-sized cock into her ass.

Reese winced as she watched him relentlessly hammer into the blonde. Damn, that must hurt, she mused. Her own bottom ached just watching[...]

[...]she heard the sound of faint chuckling from the doorway. Looking over she saw Luke. He'd just come out of the shower and had a white towel tied low on his hips. His lean, muscular body gleamed as droplets of water made their way down his broad chest and flat stomach, disappearing under the towel.

Her eyes traveled down, and then up the length of his body. Luke was extremely sexy. If he wasn't her stepbrother, she'd be all over him. But he was her stepbrother, so any inappropriate thoughts that ran through her head from time to time about him - he was hot, she couldn't help it - got tightly sealed in the back of her mind in a vault titled: Forbidden and Off-limits.

Such elegant prose, ya? What was that girl, Swedish? If nothing else, the utilitarian wordsmithery achieves the unintentional silliness of a porn scenario.

I'm tempted to throw my hat into the ring, but hesitate because the proverbial "ring" is more of a circle jerk, and I don't want my hat to get soiled. If anything, I'd love to bring a little class to the table. Some olde tyme chivalry and flowery language. Take back the eStreets (sorry, Bruce) and make them eRotic again. Here's a little something I've been working on. Let me know if you guys think I have what it takes:

The undergrowth of her undercarriage shimmered with the sheen of her musk. Glistening liquid orbs trickled down the shaft of her pubic fronds, breaking up into even smaller droplets, ejected in an arc like seed as they met the pliant flesh of her quivering pussy cheeks. These satellite droplets fell like tears, splashing off the porcelain cliffs of her inner thighs, and ran down in rivulets to fill the basin of her cleft like some geological formation at the dawn of time.

“Be gentle, Sir Knight. It is my first time.”

She didn’t say it- she breathed it. The plea tumbled out in a whisper, the word “time” barely avoiding being sucked back in on a sharp intake of air as a finger dipped into her honey-pot.

“That makes this a first for me as well," The Knight cooed like an over-confident pigeon. "For I have only known the hospitality of a lady by force.”

Her body stiffened, eliciting a smile.

“But you are different, my lady. You are the first I have wanted to give of herself… willingly.”

He hovered over her body, the proof of his words bouncing like a diving board moments after its athlete has gracefully floated towards the watery depths.

“My warrior is yours to command.”

She followed the motion of his fleshy plank with her eyes; it wagged as if attached to a disapproving nun’s hand.

“Your warrior,” she stammered. “Why doth he wear his gorget?

The Knight is taken aback.

“My lady, I thought thee a maid… how would you know of such a difference?” 

“I do have brothers, you know.”

His mouth became a lewd gesture.

“Oh? And how often have you defended yourself against your brothers' warriors?”  

“Often enough to recognize when a warrior is adorned with extraneous armor.”

Frowning, The Knight leaned in with intent, putting his mouth over hers as much to silence her as anything else. His purple fist gently tapped her stomach, as if a kitten’s errant paw. A tide of lust rushed in only to be pulled back by the undercurrent of hesitation as she pushed him away.

“No, I can't. It is not to be...”

A flash of anger. “You bloody cock tease.“

“I am royalty, and you are a commoner.”

“I thought that’s what you liked about me?”

"I am a Republican, and you are a Democrat."

"I don't vote."

“I am a Capulet, and you are a Montague.”

“Huh? My surname is Jefferson.”

“That is another problem. You are black, and my father is Italian. He will only alow a fellow countryman’s picture to adorn the walls of his daughter’s pizzeria, if you catch my drift.”

Aaaaaaand... scene.

I don't know about you, but I think I've got literary gold on my hands, so I'll stop right there. Don't want to give it all away for free. Keep an eye out for my Amazon author's page, cumming soon. Oh, and watch your back, Kelly Haven. If that is your real name.

Think you can do better, ClitReactors? Film critics are failed filmmakers. Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't write eRotica, jerk off. So put up in the comments, people. 

*If you are interested in eRotica written by a man, might I suggest Lactating Step Daughter by Billy Corey? My Step Daughter has all this extra milk and doesn't know what to do with it!

**See also: the Psuedo Incest Series by Gia Blue.